anti-seafood
fuzzy cyborgs
we eat small rodents
stuff
A show, that dosen't exist but should...maybe

Episode 29:

Outline:

Arrive in Lake Bennett; spend winter making boat with faulty plans obtained by SS from friend of Mountie at border. Find boat is really bad - almost drown testing. Meet with people from Mississippi and offer to guide up river, saying they are "experts" especially LW get $200 from each arrive late on leaving day push boat off say "O! I forgot something" run away. 2 Days later… steal boat and go to Dawson. Pass MI on way there who have miraculously survived halfway up the river. Arrive in Dawson, stake claim behind Saloon. Dig for gold, but MI have rigged, explosion all while SS is trying to take over Saloon. LW, WDW, and Gam chase MI to Saloon, huge gunfight

OPENING SCENE: Pan over a shot of the frosty wilderness and zoom to in the order of W.D. Wood (WDW), Soapy Smith (SS), Lambertus Warmolts (Lamby), and Silent Sam Bonnefield (SB) straggling in a line through the snow. Start cheesy theme music, and have big shiny, gold, cursive text with title "We Eat Small Rodents" come up and hold for 3 seconds. Stop theme music have Lamby trip and fall onto SS. WDW turns around. Freeze.

Narrator:

Last time on "We Eat Small Rodents"…

Show scenes from last episode. Mountie gets clobbered. Chased to Lake Bennett.

SCENE 2:

WDW SS Lamby and SB walk in snow downstream along large rapidly flowing river until they reach an encampment of tents. Everyone drops a large pack onto the snow except for Lamby who isn’t carrying one.

Lamby

"This looks like a good place to camp while we build a boat. Seeing as I’m the expert boat builder here why don’t I go look for some trees to use for it while the rest of you set up camp."

SCENE 3:

Lamby exits screen to go look for timber. The remaining four speak to one another.

Remaining SS soapy, WDW wood, SB silent

Wood:

"SB, go find us some whores"

Silent:

"……….."

Wood:

"Never mind, Soapy, go find us some whores."

Soapy:

"OK"

Soapy exits screen in search of whores.

Screen moves to Lamby tapping trees.

Lamby:

"No not this one too hollow. <Trunk makes a non-hollow *thunk*>"

Half-dressed man enters screen.

Mysterious Dude:

"Hey, <pssst> over here"

Lamby:

"What do you want?"

MD:

"I got some plans heer for a boat that travels faster than any other."

Lamby:

"You’re a crock pot! Are you insane no boat can go faster than the one I plan to build!"

MD:

"Really? I’ll wager that if you take these plans, and I take yours. That the boat you build will go faster."

Lamby:

"Fine"

Lamby scribbles discreetly on a piece of paper. Gives it to MD.

MD:

"Now you may have mine…for three dollars"

Lamby:

"Three dollars I thought that if I gave you mine you would give me yours!"

MD:

"What are you talking about? I say I would take yours and you would pay for mine!"

Lamby:

"Fine"

Lamby gives MD three dollars. Gets the plans he scribbled back.

Scene 4:

Woods and Sam have finished setting up the camp and are getting really bored.

Sam

"I’m bored, I think Ill go see if Lamby needs any help with the timber."

Sam exits and Woods sits there for a while starring off into space, then looks at a chipmunk.

Woods (to chipmunk)

"Hi…sooo how are you doin?"

Scene 5:

Sam finds Lamby sleeping propped up against a tree with a cold can of beans in one hand.

Sam

"HEY LAMBY!"

Lamby

"ACK! STAY AWAY! Err I mean hiii Saam"

Sam

"Have you gotten any wood yet?"

Lamby

"Err um I found some good trees, they’re the with the beans spilled on them…well it looks as though you forgot a saw so I’ll go back to camp and get one while you make sure no one takes my trees."

Sam

"HEY! You never told me to…"(stops because Lamby has already left)

Sam looks around and sees a tarp with something under it behind a bush. Upon further inspection he finds a large pile of wooden planks under the tarp and runs away screaming.

Scene 6:

Lamby is slowly walking back to camp through the snowy forest, when Sam crashes into him and starts babbling really fast and incoherently.

Lamby

"SLOW DOWN!"

Sam

I found a whole bunch of wood and you’ve gotta help me drag it away before whoever owns it comes back.

Lamby

"Lets go then!"

Scene 7:

Lamby and Sam put a big board of wood onto a pile of similar wood stashed inside their tent.

Sam

"That all of it"

Lamby hands Sam the plans

Lamby

"Here are the plans, now help me start nailing these boards together"

Sam

"What?! You call these plans?

Camera zooms in on the piece of paper revealing that written on it was some strangely shaped scribbles that look somewhat like a block of cheese if squinted at with the words wood written on them.

Lamby

"Sure they’re plans, now come over here and help me"

Sam holds two boards in place, while Lamby hammers a nail through them. Scene fads out into blackness with white lettering that reads "ONE YEAR LATER".

SCENE 8: Scene fades in from darkness. Four people wearing horrible winter gear arrive in the camp. It is May. They are very cold.

Man 1:

"Hello? Anybody? Is there anybody here?"

A lot of yelling; the tent starts to shake, then it falls over and hot coffee is spilled everywhere, and steams off snow. SS rears out of the tent in his red sleeping bag with two sticks stuck like horns to it. With steam rising off the ground he appears to be some evil spectacle.

SS:

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

M1, M2, M3, and M4 are cringing in terror of this horrible beast that has risen from the ice. They start to back away, while SS fumbles with his backpack. WDW gets up.

WDW:

"I’m sorry, my ‘friend’ is an idiot." He makes a quotes signal while saying friend.

M1: (Who appears to be the leader)

"Well then, ok, yes, (ahum) we’ll just be going now, its been nice seeing you, we must have tea sometime bye" says last part very abruptly.

All the men run in the direction of a large group of tents to the west. LW gets up and drinks the remaining coffee. He then starts looking around.

LW
"Does anyone have a buttered crumpet?"

Focus on SB for about 10 seconds and fade out.

SCENE 9:

LW, SS, SB, and WDW are standing on a dock with a bunch of ice floating past it. On the dock next to them is an extremely horribly built boat. There are three holes in the bottom, and at the prow is a stick with an old, red tie tied to it. LW is standing next to the boat, apart from the others, looking extremely proud. SS is poking a whore. WDW is talking to a chipmunk, and SB is being silent.

LW:
"Well, we are about to set off on the last leg of the journey. I am very proud to have had the honor of constructing the boat for our journey. However, I would like to thank some people (more than others) because they helped us through the winter. First of all, I would like to thank me, and then, secondly, Elmyra the whore, and, lastly, Soapy Smith, for hiring Elmyra the whore. Now, I know this winter has affected us all differently." He eyes WDW strangely, as he is talking to a chipmunk. " But I hope we will survive and not hate each others’ company long enough that we can strike it rich. After that, we can go home and buy lots of land, women, and alcohol. Now, I would like to christen the first launch of the… uh… what should we call the boat?"

SS:

"Let’s call it the ‘Drunken Cow’."

WDW:
"No! It should be the ‘Hammered Bovine’!"

LW:
"How about the ‘Intoxicated Calf’."

SB:

"…"

SS:

"We’ll call it the ‘Sound of Silence’ in a sick, shameless endorsement of Simon and Garfunkel!"

WDW:

"YES!"

LW:
"And now, I christen my masterpiece, ‘The Sound of Silence’!"

SCENE 10:

LW, SS, SB, and WDW, who is talking to a chipmunk, straggle out of the water. Behind them, the sound of silence bobs up off the bottom of the lake. M1, M2, M3, and M4 walk up.

M1:

"Hey, you guys… do you have a boat?"

They all look at each other.

LW:

"Do you have money?"

M1:

"Yes."

LW:

"There’s your answer. Just get on the boat, and we’ll go get our stuff."

They push the M’s out into the river and run away.

Scene 11:

Soapy Smith, WD Wood, Silent Sam, Lambertus Warmolts are standing on a dock with their boat. It is now filled almost halfway and the bow is hanging on by a mere thread and is flapping in the wind. The bow breaks away and sails slowly to smack SilentS in the nose

Soapy Smith:

We have arrived! And that boat we stole wasn’t so bad.

Lambertus:

Ahh! Dawson City, the hub of gold miners.

Silent (rubbing his nose):

.........

WD Wood:

This is why I left Seattle!

Camera shifts to them purchasing a claim.

SoapS:

We would like to buy a claim. Would a free one be in order?

Clerk (bored):

Nooooooo

Soapy:

Fine how much for this one? (Gestures to a map of the various claims)

Clerk:

Which?

Soapy:

All of it! We traveled here and it took 10 months, we slept on hard cold ground and built a crappy boat! I want it all!

Clerk:

Fine (hands smith a deed)

Scene shifts to claim. Everyone is there except soapy, who happens to be at a bar (which is unknown to the viewer)

WD Wood:

Sam, where the hell is soapy?

Silent Sam:

....

WD:

Fine, give me the silent treatment.

Lambertus:

I believe he is getting hammered at the bar.

WD:

It is to be expected.

They set up camp, which consists of a small ragged tent and a slightly larger tent label, "SUPPLY TENT"

There is a hole in the ground which has a shovel in it and the river which is near the hole and is flooding it has a complicated device that seems to do nothing but in fact helps identify gold. A lone sifting pan lies near the water.

Lambert (he pokes his head out of the small ragged tent):

Ahhh! Time to get to work, Silent SAM!!!

Camera shifts to bar were Silent Sam is conversing with Soapy.

Silent Sam:

.........

Soapy (drunk, speaking in a heavily slurred voice):

And so I rose to power with an army of whores, card switch and rufcans at my back!

Silent Sam holds a piece of cardboard with writing on it. He has a marker in his hand. The camera zooms in on the writing. The sign reads: "THE WHORES, POPPERS AND THIEVES!!"

Soapy:

Sam! You’re a genius! The whores! We could use the whores to seduce successful gold miners while we take their gold!

Silent Sam (shakes his head and gestures to his sign):

………..

The sign says: "No. We get them to dig for the gold while we laze around."

Soapy:

Ah, yes! Good idea.

The screen fades to black and the word, "MEANWHILE" fades in (it is white)

View of the small ragged tent shaking around.

Lambertus:

Get up you lazy b@st@rd!

WD:

I don’t want to!

Lambertus:

We need to get to work! Before the winter comes.

Lambertus drags WD Wood out by his feet. WD is holding a blanket and a pillow.

Lambertus:

Get up you lazy cow! We need to get to work before winter comes!

WD Wood:

"I don’t wan-"

WD stops in mid-sentence as a shadow falls over them. They look up in awe. The camera shifts instantly behind their shoulders and it pans up a hill. It comes to rest on a lone rider on a black horse. These figures are silhouetted on the hill. The rider raises a sword. As the sword goes up a mass of people come over the hill. This line spreads for about 200 ft on either side. The rider comes roughly thirty feet closer.

The rider (whom is now visible and recognized as silent Sam)

………..

A man from the row of people comes forth to the horse (it is soapy smith):

He means to say," You can take our gold, but never our whores!!!

Soapy leaps on the horse pushing Silent Sam of:

Sorry chap, give me your sword.

Sam raises his hand and hands Soapy the sword.

Soapy:

ARGGGGG!

The people charge towards the camp and trample silent Sam in the process. Lambertus and the WD (whom is still being held onto by the legs) watch the people awestruck as they fall upon them.

Soapy arrives first.

Soapy:

I have brought my lackeys and whores to help!

Lambertus:

Are you out of your mind? Were here to collect gold, not have an orgy!

Soapy smacks Lambertus

Soapy:

Imbecile! They were brought here to dig for us. Not to satisfy your urges! There are bears out there. I’m not wasting my men and woman on you.

WD:

Yahh! MORE SLEEP! Never got quite enough as the mayor of Seattle.

WD promptly falls asleep. Soapy and Silent Sam drag him into the small tent. Silent Sam crawls to the tent slowly. Fade Out

Next morning (you can tell by the half risen sun) the four climb out of the tent. WD has a pillow and blanket and Silent Sam has his chipmunk. They are confronted by four voices:
M1, M2, M3, M4: HEY!

For no apperant reason a dramatic gunfight ensues and all are killed. They awake outside a saloon called "Hell’s Whorehouse".

Scene ??

Silent Sam crawls past a DAWSON sign and into a bar. The scene shifts to a smoky room with the devil and three other players around a table. Sam enters the room and moves to sit at the table with the devil (in this no words are spoken). The other three people seem not to notice the newcomer yet they still deal to him. Many cutscenes happen showing sam sweating and nervous. A scene shows him lose all his money and it countiunes. Within three minutes the devil speaks.

Satan:

What will you bet?

Sam:

My soul, and the souls of my friends!

Satan:

Very Well, then! Deal!

Sam deals the cards.

Sam:

Ante up…

Satan puts a jar with something that looks like a ghost in it. Sam gets up and rips something purplish out of chest and puts it on the table. Show three scenes of Satan beating silent sam, who subsequently bets all his friends souls, and loses.

Satan:

"Wahahahahahahahah! Come down to hell! You have nothing left to bet!"


Sam:
"That’s not true!"

He looks over at WDW, who is saying goodbye to a chipmunk. Satan, meanwhile, is idly making a hole that fire is coming out of in the floor.

Sam:

"Wood! Give me that chipmunk’s soul!"

Satan turns around.

Satan:
"What? You have more souls? Well, that’s always good. Hmm…

Satan consults a large binder and begins checking things off. The binder is labeled "Inventory".


Satan:

"Very well. I have been asked to not divulge this chipmunks name, as it would require speaking to humans in the ancient, mystical, and secret tongue of the chipmunk masters of the earth. So call him Cooper."

Sam:

"Whatever. Deal. I bet Cooper’s soul against all of our souls and money. If I win, you will bring us back to life and make our claim have as much gold as all the other claims in the yukon."

Satan:

"Yeah, I can do that. But why do you waste my time outlining your victory spoils when your going to lose!"

Sam:

"Deal."

Satan deals one card. They are playing stud poker. This one is upside down. He deals a second. Satan gets an ace of hearts, sam gets a king of spades. Satan keeps dealing until he has an ace of hearts, a nine of diamonds, a nine of hearts, a nine of clubs. Sam has a king of spades, a queen of spades, a jack of spades, and a ten of spades.

Satan:

"If you don’t have an ace of spades under there, I won your soul!!!!!!! And cooper. Let us flip over our cards and see who won."

They both flip over their cards. Satan has a nine of spades, but Sam has an ace of spades.

Sam:

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I WON!!!!!!! Card games over. Back to being quiet…"

"…!"

Satan:

"Poo. Now I have to let you go. But, remember, if you ever want to beat satan at cards, you must have cheated. Cause I rigged my deck!"

Sam:

"…."

Subtitles:

"You deal backwards."

Satan:
"Blast."

Wood:

"Toodles."

LW:

"So long!"

Soapy Smith is fondling a whore.

Cooper:

"I have avoided the vileness of… can’t speak the sacred chipmunk tongue here… hehehe… so long, Wood."

Cooper leaves the saloon. So does everyone else. Sam goes last and a two of spades falls out of his sleeve.

Roll Credits

Narrator:

"And that’s it for ‘We Eat Small Rodents’. Stay tuned for ‘All My Children’ up next, and later, ‘Watching Paint Grow’, the masterpiece award-winning movie by Kris Felsman. From ‘I am so bored I made a movie’ studios."

THE END

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